One simple practice can change how your child sees you — and how they see themselves.

Written in collaboration with the NJ4S Monmouth & Ocean Hubs team at Preferred Behavioral Health Group.

The Power of a Safe Adult

Every May, Children’s Mental Health Awareness Month reminds us to check in on the kids in our lives — not just the ones who seem to be struggling, but all of them. In Monmouth and Ocean Counties, that matters. A lot of teens tell us they feel judged more than understood. Too many young people are struggling quietly, and too many parents are worried about how to help.

No single program or conversation will solve everything. But years of research keep pointing to one simple truth: the biggest thing that protects a child’s mental health is having a safe, trusted adult in their life. Not a perfect one. A steady one.

This month, we want to invite every parent and caregiver to try one shift. One small change that can transform how your child sees your relationship — and, over time, how they see themselves. That change is called Unconditional Positive Regard.

Understanding UPR: It’s Not Earned, It’s Constant

Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR) is an idea from a psychologist named Carl Rogers. The core of it is simple: you accept and value your child no matter how they behave. Your love, your warmth, your acceptance — these aren’t prizes your child wins for good grades or a clean room. They’re always there.

That sounds easy. It’s not.

Most of us grew up in a world where love felt tied to performance. A “good job” came after the A-plus. A frown came after the broken rule. Over time, kids pick up on a quiet pattern: I’m loved when I’m good. Which also means: when I’m not good, I’m not loved.

UPR breaks that pattern. It separates what your child does from who they are. You can still set rules. You can still give consequences. You can still get frustrated. But the deeper message stays the same: you matter to me because you exist, not because of what you do.

A study by Lopes, van Putten, and Moormann found that the way we parent shapes a child’s mental health well into adulthood. Kids who grow up feeling accepted no matter what carry that feeling forward — into how they see themselves, how they show up in friendships, and how they handle hard times.

Building a Strong Sense of Self

Here’s what UPR does on the inside of a child.

When kids feel loved only when they succeed, they start to live in fear. Fear of failing. Fear of letting someone down. Fear of the moment love might be taken away. That fear shows up as anxiety, as perfectionism, as a knot in the stomach before every test and every hangout.

When kids feel loved no matter what, something different happens. They learn to accept themselves. They can try, fail, and still feel okay. They can mess up — even badly — and still believe they’re worth something.

This is a kind of inner shield. It doesn’t stop bad days or normal teen drama. But it keeps small setbacks from turning into big crises. A teen with that shield can fail a math test and feel disappointed. A teen without it can fail the same test and feel, for a moment, like they are a failure as a person.

“I don’t like this behavior, but I always love and value YOU.”

The consistency mantra of Unconditional Positive Regard

Softening the Inner Voice

We want to say this part plainly, because it matters.

A lot of kids — especially those who’ve been through hard things — carry a harsh voice inside their head. It sounds like “nobody really likes me.” Or “I’m too much.” Or “I’m not enough.” When that voice runs on a loop, it shapes how kids see the world, how they handle setbacks, and whether they feel safe reaching out when things get hard.

UPR pushes back against that voice. When a child has spent years hearing, in small everyday ways, that they are loved even at their worst, that message slowly becomes part of how they talk to themselves. It doesn’t cure depression. It doesn’t erase trauma. But it builds a foundation, one day at a time, that says: you belong here. You are loved, exactly as you are.

That’s what trauma-informed care looks like at the kitchen table.

Practical Application: Be the Trusted Adult This Summer

Parents often ask us: “Okay, this sounds nice, but what does it actually look like at 5:30 PM when my kid is slamming doors?”

Here’s where to start.

Curiosity Over Discipline. When a child acts out, they’re almost always trying to meet a real need with the only tools they have. A toddler who’s hitting is usually overwhelmed. A teen who’s shutting down is usually stressed and doesn’t have the words for it yet. The most powerful thing you can do is change the question. Instead of “How do I win this fight?” try “What is my child trying to tell me with this behavior?” You can still hold the limit. You don’t have to be okay with the behavior. But leading with curiosity changes the whole room.

Structure as Safety. For little kids, knowing what happens next is calming. Meals, naps, bedtime, transitions — a predictable rhythm lowers anxiety and stops meltdowns before they start.

For teens, strict rules often backfire. What works better is teamwork. Sit down and ask: “What do you need to feel supported this summer? What do I need to feel okay about it?” Make agreements about phones, curfews, and time with friends — together. You’re still the parent. But you’re also teaching them how to think about their own well-being — a skill they’ll need long after they leave home.

The Consistency Mantra. When you’re frustrated or angry, try saying this out loud: “I don’t like this behavior, but I always love and value YOU.” Say it when you’re calm. Say it again when you’re not. Over the years, that repetition becomes the voice your child hears in their own head when they’re alone at 2 AM and everything feels heavy.

Knowing When to Get More Support

Part of being a trusted adult is knowing the difference between normal teen struggle and something that needs more help.

Normal teen behavior includes mood swings, wanting more privacy, pushing for independence, changing friend groups, being moody sometimes, and big feelings about social stuff. Being a teenager is hard. Some tough moments are just part of it.

Signs that deserve a closer look include pulling away from things they used to love, big changes in sleep or eating, a sadness or hopelessness that doesn’t lift, harsh self-criticism that seems stuck on repeat, and worry or stress that keeps getting in the way of daily life. Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is.

When you want to open a harder conversation, lead with care, not questions that put them on the spot. “I’ve noticed you seem more tired lately. How are you really doing?” works better than “What’s wrong with you?” You’re not trying to get the whole story in one sit-down. You’re trying to keep the door open — to be the person they aren’t afraid to tell the hardest thing to.

If your child is struggling, please reach out. PBHG is here for families in Monmouth and Ocean Counties, and NJ4S offers free support to students and families across New Jersey. If things ever feel urgent, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 by call or text.

An Investment in Resilience

You don’t have to be a perfect parent. You don’t have to know the right thing to say every time. You don’t have to get it right always.

You just have to be a steady source of warmth. That’s what shapes how your child sees themselves over time. That’s the voice in their head when they’re deciding whether to call you after a mistake. That’s the thing that, on their hardest days, might be what carries them through.

This Children’s Mental Health Awareness Month, try one shift. Notice the moments when your love feels tied to behavior — to grades, to a good attitude, to following rules — and practice loosening that thread. Say the mantra. Ask the curious question. Sit on the floor with the kid who’s melting down, and remember: the behavior is what they do. It’s not who they are.

That’s the work. And it matters far beyond your own house. Every parent who practices UPR is investing in their child’s future — and in the mental health of our whole community.

Free Support for Parents and Caregivers

NJ4S Monmouth and Ocean Hubs, run by Preferred Behavioral Health Group, offer free Tier 1 parent programs across both counties — and one of them is built directly around the ideas in this post.

Other Tier 1 Parent Programs:

• It’s Real: Trusted Adult — in collaboration with AFSP
• Digital Citizenship
• Raising Resilient Youth — in collaboration with SPTS
• The Role of the Trusted Adult — in collaboration with SPTS

Bring these programs to your community. PBHG can deliver any of these parent programs to local groups — PTO and PTA meetings, parent groups, after-school programs, church congregations, back-to-school nights, and more. If you’re organizing for a school or community group that would benefit, we’d love to come.